It is said it's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all...
It may sound tragic and sad but I would have to concur with the above adage, for I...have never loved at all. To be sure, there have been romances in my past, where I made myself believe I was in love, but I know now in retrospect that I have never loved, or been loved...and it sucks...
You see, when you are born a mistake, and you live a life that is untrue, never allowed, never allowing yourself to be your true self...well, it makes it impossible to be true to anyone else around you...
This is not to say that my heart has not been broken, for it has, three times to be exact; the first time as a late teen, with my first romance which was really no more than a summer romance, but it was my first, and it hurt when it dawned on me sometime in the winter that followed, that I was no more than a passing fancy to the other party. Following the breakup of my marriage (in which there was only a strong affection at the beginning and...nothing at the end) there were two other transitory relationships. The last, ironically enough, was just another summer fling but because the feelings were so intense at the outset, the effects were brutalizing when it all imploded into a black hole, then subsequently exploded outward in a bang bigger than the inception of the universe, at least my universe. In-between, there was another star-crossed romance that felt so right and comfortable and destined...until that too revealed itself as an ill-fated misfit that left me crying on the island of misfits while the other party sailed off to another destiny...
My marriage, though long, was more of convenience and some sense of comfort, and of course when it involved the upbringing of children...well, we weren't the first couple to lose ourselves in the task of raising of kids...but it was largely a sham from the outset, and ultimately destined to fail...the one saving grace, besides the time I had with my three boys (which I will never ever regret,) is that the slow un-layering of that sham, which left me standing naked and utterly alone with only a mirror to stare into, at least allowed me to initiate the process of becoming the inner person I am that was always cloistered by the outer person that others saw, and whom I'd convinced myself I was...
You see, it is the underpinning of this treatise that one can't love another, cannot truly and fully love another person in their life, until they have first come to terms with themselves...
So it is my contention (and reality) that because I have only recently confronted who I am, and have always been, those other romances and "faux" loves, were never truly real. In short: I have never loved at all...
Sad on the surface to be sure. And more deeply hurtful because I so yearn to find love, true love, and feel that I have a lifetime of pent love to give to another soul...
If one believes in the "After-life" (and I do!) and one also believes that there is one true "soul-mate" for each of us on this planet, and that when we pass into that after-life we will be eternally linked with that soul...well, I can only lament that I might never discover who my soul-mate is, and that I may live that eternity as alone as I've always been in this living life...and that makes me sad sometimes. For you see, the above adage posits that even "lost" love can be recovered in the nether...but if you never find love...well, what does that mean?
insert sad smiley here :(
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