What do you when the
thing you love most tries to kill you?
You’d think I’d be over it by now; it’s been over 25
years. But I’m not. It haunts me.
The place. The wave. The day I nearly died.
I’ve written here and elsewhere of that cold February day at
Fox Hill Pt. in New Hampshire when I went over the falls on a monster and got
ragdolled and held under to the very limit of my breath, to the point where I
gave up and reconciled myself to death.
By some miracle I survived. I
came up. I breathed again. And I lived.
But it haunts me still…
In a sense, I suppose that wave still has its grip on me, it
still ragdolls my conscience. You might
think it would be easy to let it go; I’m not a big-wave surfer by any stretch
of the imagination. And the wave that
nearly finished me was not big at all when compared to the Brobdingnagian
proportioned leviathans that today’s big wave chargers are towing and paddling
into. But when you’re being ragdolled
and held under to the very limit of your breath, and you start reconciling the
reality of your impending death in your mind, what difference does it make how
big the wave is?
I’ve surfed Fox Hill a few times in the ensuing years, most
recently about ten years ago. It was
always on smaller days than THAT DAY, but it still gave me the willies. Just thinking
about surfing it again gives me the willies.
But I know I have to…
I don’t know why. I’m
not really out to prove anything, at least I don’t think I am. And in a very real way, I’m nowhere near the
young fit surfer I was then. It really
would be kind of foolhardy for me to paddle out there now at my older, less fit
stage of my life. It’s way more crowded
these days and a lot of young rippers compete with each other for set waves;
I’m way beyond the days of having the ability, or desire to compete with young
rippers…
But you see, I made this gun…
The board is an 8’ round-pin, single fin. About as basic as basic goes. It’s thick and forward foiled for paddling
ease and getting me into large waves early…safely. I don’t have the quickness or reflexes for
critical takeoffs anymore and I just want to be able to catch, drop, bottom
turn, and then race the wall…survival style surfing. Though I made the board about 8 years ago,
I’ve only surfed it twice. Once in small
waves and another time in slightly overhead waves. The board is a stable solid platform…a safe platform for catching larger
surf. I almost took it out during Hurricane Bill a few years ago. Cops and firefighters were cordoning off
parts of the bluff that overlooked my local spot, not allowing anyone to get
close to the water and the surging surf that was smashing and surging up over
the rocks. But as I stood there,
watching, and even though it was the wrong tide for this place…it was coming
over hard and heavy at the main peak. I
knew my gun would handle it perfectly, and as I stood there and watched, and
listened to the authorities yelling at people to “stay back,” authorities who
had very little clue of how the ocean works, yet who years before had suffered
the trauma of losing three people on the same day in two locations off those
same rocks and bluffs, two kids and an
adult swept out to sea...I understood their panic. Yet I kept timing the sets, and I saw a
window, a possibility of jumping into the cauldron during a lull, and paddling
out to that peak. I knew I could do it, at least paddle out that is. And the worst case scenario, if I blew a wave
or got caught inside, I would only have to allow the sets to sweep me into the
safety of the beach…Yet on this day, I was still dealing with a lingering
injury, not enough to prevent me from surfing, but enough to instill doubt into
my confidence…I watched about two hours…then finally walked away…
That day I probably made the right decision. But it killed
me inside. I knew I could’ve done
it, but I didn’t have the will…It made me mad though, and I knew that someday,
when I got my confidence back, I would paddle out…
On the nose of my board I glassed in a decal: “EWG.” It stands for: “Eddie Would Go!” Ask any
surfer who Eddie was, and what that phrase means, and they could tell you Eddie
was a legendary Hawaiian waterman who never balked at big surf; Eddie always went!
And he became known, even after his death, trying to rescue himself and
the crew of a capsized catamaran, by that phrase…Eddie Would Go. I put the decal there to inspire me over the
ledge, into the next truly big wave I paddle for…
For now, I wait. I
struggle with my fitness, my confidence.
And for now the board gathers dust…
My plan though, is during the long flat summer, I will
endeavor to get myself into better surfing shape. I will paddle that board on flat days. I will get my mojo, my confidence back. And when I’m ready, I’ll face my demons, I’ll
paddle out again at big Fox Hill, and hopefully other big point waves I’ve
always dreamed about…California’s Rincon…my dream wave of J-Bay in South
Africa.
Someday, they’ll say: Mo Went.
