In the wrestling movie, “Vision Quest,” when Matthew Modine’s character
goes to the sidelines with a bloody nose…his coach wipes away the blood before
looking him dead in the eye and challenging him: “Have you done everything you
came here to do?”
Louden Swain (Modine) has reached the pivotal moment in his quest,
to beat the never been beaten, 3 time state champion Brian Shute. Before he can even earn the privilege of
stepping onto the mat with the imposing wrestler (whom everyone has told him
cannot be beaten,) Louden has already suffered a desperate weight loss program
just to drop down into Shute’s weight class.
Along the way, his familial and friendship relations are strained, and
he struggles as well with his distracting infatuation with an older girl. After enduring all this, after making weight,
and stepping onto the mat with Shute, he proceeds to mostly get his ass whupped. Right up until the moment the referee calls
timeout for his bloody nose. Then standing
there with his teammates around him, a gym full of cheering students, his dad
and grandpa and his girl in the bleachers, and his coach, dead-eye challenging
him with the aforementioned quote, Louden responds, simply: “Not yet.”
Not yet.
Not by a long shot. I have unrealized dreams and aspirations myself. I’ve been kicked around and knocked down too. A couple of days ago I suffered the indignity of my 54th birthday. FIFTY-FOUR! How did I get to be so old? How have I not accomplished everything I set out to do? I was gonna travel. Surf the North Shore. Ride the barrels at Burleigh and Kirra. The long rights at Rincon and Malibu. Maalaea and Honolua Bay. I was gonna sail around the globe in my own sloop, hit all the major coastlines, the islands.
But life got in the way.
Matrimony and child-rearing.
Divorce and depression. As Bear
says in the movie, “Big Wednesday:” “The whole damn mess.” Recently too, as I’ve struggled with poverty
and bankruptcy; working two jobs and too many hours, trying to save my house
and keep my head above water… And relationship distractions too. After my divorce, during a period of major,
major change and disruption, I stumbled through a couple of relationships…I
wasn’t ready; I should have figured out my own life out before I was ready to share
it with another. Yet I yearned… And more recently, after a prolonged dearth
of any kind of romantic inclinations, I decided to dip my toe again…I went “online,”
searching… Ugh. How very, very unromantic.
Yet, there was a brief flare, a spark…hope? Maybe? Ha. No, that fizzled
faster than a flicked ciggie into a toilet.
So, I come to where I’m at today. At 54.
Time to assess. Time to
plan. Time to set aside the distractions
and embark on my own Vision Quest. Oh, I
will still dream for my writing goals, and still work to make them happen. And I know I will still yearn for love, but I
won’t waste my time chasing it; let someone else chase me for a change! It’ll happen, if it’s supposed to
happen. In the meantime, I’ve got what’s
left of my surfing aspirations to consider.
I’m old…but not dead yet. My
knees are creaky, I’ve a weak back, bad joints and I carry at least 20lbs of
extraneous fat. But, I’m still the athlete
I’ve been my whole life; still a surfer.
And I know how to train. And I’ve
always said, if there’s only one place I can surf before I die, it’s
J-Bay. I want, no, I WILL surf
J-Bay! But not merely catch a wobbly
ride on some mushy wall, no, I want to SURF J-Bay.
Okay, go ahead, call me crazy, delusional, washed up,
OLD! I know I have to figure out a way to even GET there! And I know there will be struggles
and distractions along the way…and I still have to go back to a place that
humbled and almost drowned me (Big Fox Hill Pt.) and put that fear to rest. But
that’s my Vision Quest. I figure I’ve
got at least another six years before I’m 60; and my body CAN still be whipped
into shape. So I’m going for it. Queue the “Lunatic Fringe” intro…
Have I done everything I came here to do with my surfing?
Not yet.
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